Experts often suggest that planning a service and writing an obituary should be tasks left to the family and close friends because an important step in the grieving process is remembering past events – big and small, funny or sad – and recalling the character traits and personality features of the departed. Yet, we all know of services and obituaries carefully planned in advance by the deceased which reflected the past life gracefully, modestly and perfectly. So, there is no a single answer to the question of who is best to plan the service or write the obituary, but ideally, there was some discussion and agreement on this before death; in reality, survivors usually follow whatever wishes have been expressed with enough latitude to add their own ideas.
A basic decision concerns the type and degree of the service and obituary: religious or secular, traditional and general or specific and individualized, formal or informal, simple or elaborate., and all the various combinations and degrees of choice. Some may prefer a simple, traditional, formal, religious service, others a more elaborate traditional service; still others may find that a secular, individualized and informal service best reflects the deceased.
Planning a Funeral:
Technically, a funeral is defined as a service for the dead with the body present; the funeral profession has further narrowed this definition by decreeing that the body must be embalmed if it is to be present, supposedly for public health and comfort reasons. (Actually, dead bodies present no health risk except in rare cases, the Centers for Disease Control has never ordered embalming, and no funeral director or embalmer wears HazMat suits to transport or embalm the dead.)
Traditionally, funerals are held shortly after death, usually within three days to a week. (This may be partly to limit the funeral home daily “sheltering fee” which starts after a free three to five days depending on the funeral home.) Funerals are a time to grieve the loss and remember the life of the deceased. They may be held at the funeral home, with a religious or secular service (the funeral home General Price List fee is for the room and professional staffing), at a house of worship, or elsewhere – as a firehouse, (the GPL fees include transportation and professional staffing). A service at the funeral home tends to be briefer than at a religious setting while one at a firehouse is often more informal. Coordination of the funeral depends on the religious or secular focus; if religious, the minister, priest, rabbi or imam is the leader, if secular, it includes a designated family member or friend. Often, there are several eulogies from family members or close friends. The music and readings can reflect the deceased personal favorites, the eulogies the deceased characteristics and values.
After the funeral, comes the burial with often a short graveside service. (Cemetery costs include the plot, opening and closing the grave, chairs and tent if there is a longer funeral-type service at the grave. Funeral home costs are listed as ‘graveside service’.)
Many families also wish to offer a reception or lunch after the funeral or grave-side burial, to greet friends and share memories. This can often be done at a church or synagogue meeting room with a kitchen; Connecticut funeral homes have no such facilities for eating.
Planning a Memorial
Memorial services, without the body present, are services for those who have not been embalmed and have chosen direct, immediate burial or cremation. Although these services started because funeral “policies” prevented a funeral for an unembalmed body, there are consumer advantages to a memorial service. It need not be right after death; allowing a focus first on the burial or cremation and then on planning the service to grieve and remember, rather than quickly – too often hastily – planning both the disposition of the body and the service at the same time, it allows a focus first on the burial or cremation and then on the service to grieve and remember. Rather than hurriedly assembling everyone, it can be planned for a convenient time for the major participants. There is also greater flexibility in the place and type of service; a memorial can be at the funeral parlor, but since most people don’t go there for work, worship, or recreation, a house of worship, union hall, library, senior center, theater or park. If it is at a place other than the funeral home, no funeral personal – and no funeral charges – are involved. While some religions have a limit to the number of eulogies, others, as well as secular services, do not do not; it is not uncommon to have a few planned talks, and then an ‘open mike’ for additional friends. Many services combine both grief at the death and joy at the life lived; the newer Celebration of Life memorial services emphasize the latter. After the service, there can be a reception, lunch, tea, pot luck, picnic, or barbeque, depending on the location and formality of the event.
The direct burial or the cremation usually precedes the service and usually will be done within three days. For direct burials, families who wish a small, private graveside service, religious or secular, should advocate that this fee should be added to the direct burial charge rather than resorting to an a la carte fees for each service – transportation, professional service, etc. – which increases the bill.
Green burials sometimes use the grave-side service as a funeral and have special embellishments as a decorated cardboard container, a colorful shroud, music and song.
For cremation, the American tradition, unlike the English, has been that family do not attend the cremation process; currently, it is the rare Connecticut establishment that permits this. Families may, of course, have a private ceremony to scatter the ashes.
Home funerals
Home funerals are of renewed interest in many states that allow families to care for their own dead; although more difficult in Connecticut with its funeral home requirement, it has been done here. Family prepare the body by washing and dressing it, it is preserved by air conditioning and dry ice. Friends and family then gather for a small, private service. Experts suggest that three days are the maximum length it should be kept at home before a funeral home is called for cremation or immediate burial. It is also highly advisable to consult with home care experts as Beth Knox of Crossings or Jerrigrace Lyons of Final Passages.
Obits and Death Notices
Technically, an obituary is an article, written by a reporter, on the life and death of a person. In large newspapers, the deceased is generally a famous or infamous person to warrant an obituary, although some papers now recognize others who lived unusual or interesting lives. Death notices, considered advertisements by newspapers, are written and paid for by kin, a friend, or an organization of the deceased. In smaller papers the death notice serves as the obit and is often free.
Once the decision on which newspapers will be used, the family may wish to review the general style of the death notices; today most papers carry a variety of both traditional notices and informal ones. Traditional notices, or ‘positive, short biographies’, after giving the date and cause of death, cover in sequential order: birth, parents, education, work, interests, family, survivors, funeral or memorial plans.
More informal death notices will highlight the personality, philosophy, character of the person who died. In doing so, specific examples will help to illuminate and illustrate generalizations, to show how the person was friendly, humorous, or wise, how the children were specially loved.
In all of this, while there are clear religious rites and practices, there are no hard and fast rules on how to grieve and honor the departed. These are decisions we must make for ourselves.
FCAofCt members may want to order our pamphlet: How to Plan a Memorial Service and our flier: Deadlines.
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This page was revised on 7/9/2024